You, sir, are a liar and a thief.
You lie about the quality of my mothering and you steal the joy of time spent with my children by making me worry about the time we spend apart.
You are self important and self involved.
You trick me into thinking that I can control the well being of my boys. You make me out to be god and center of the universe of my family. And that when I am absent the earth stops revolving and the sun struggles to shines. You whisper, deserter.
You are sneaky sneaky, setting yourself up where the God who built my children shin-bone-to-thigh-bone-to-hip-bone should be.
I will call you out.
And when the crackly static of your nagging dies down I can hear the voice of my Father. And He whispers, provider.
He sings over me.
He is waiting for me in the morning as I struggle to wake up. When the glare of the bathroom lights blind and tired eyes fight the lenses they need to face the day, He is there.
He sings,
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family.Proverbs 31:15
I cling to that chorus all day, five days a week. Here, listen, you lying, stealing guilt. I will spell it out for you:
I love my sons deep.
I love my sons wide.
I love my sons enough to sacrifice what I want so that I can give them what they need.
I am no less and no more than the mothers who get to stay home. God did not give them a pass and me a punishment. I do not need to apologize for the fact that I work. I do not need to be embarrassed.
I practice dying to my own desires every day with each good-bye, each desperate hug, each meal prepared and left to be eaten in my absence. I walk the hard path of trust. Trusting that the God who built my boys will parent them in my absence, will grow them in courage, and teach them over time that this is what love looks like.
Gritty, committed, and determined to do what is necessary.
So, take that Liar.
And if you come back tomorrow, I will be ready to read this to you again.
Signed, Lisa-Jo
mother to her boys in every way that matters.
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Thank you for that Proverbs verse and for “And He whispers, provider.” There was a devotion in one of my books recently about a mother reflecting on her work outside the home, on how God can have a plan for the whole family through the work he calls us to do even if it takes us away from them. Peace be with you.
Absolutely. He always, always has a plan. And His is better than mine.
Excellent! Lisa-Jo, just when I think you can’t possible write anything that will touch me more … you find a way. If we ever meet face-to-face, I’m just gonna look you straight in the eye and say, “Thank you, for always, always speaking truth.” You inspire me.
This is a great post. Mommy guilt comes to all of us. I don’t work outside the home, but I do get the mommy guilt too. Great writing – very real and inspiring.
Thank you for your lovely encouragement. It means a lot especially since it comes from someone at CSAM (Christian Stay At Home Moms). Misplaced guilt is something we all battle and it means a lot to encourage one another through it.
seriously, thank you for this. I will hear these words in my head the next time a woman at my church asks me why I can’t attend the monday morning mom’s group. and each time they shake their head in pity and say “I dont know how you do it.” and each time I hear them making plans for lunch dates and play dates without acknowledging me. and each time my child is sick and I feel guilty about taking time off work.
Cindy: You are one of the army of unsung heroes. The mothers who get up early and get home late. Who must face their own guilt and the misplaced, condescending pity of others. Who must battle the constant, nagging sense that they are not doing enough and must still somehow manage to wade through all the laundry and leftover dishes. And when they say, “I don’t know how you do it,” I wish you had a medal of honor you could hold up to speak for you. Because you are a hero, and God knows it. And so do I.
Thank you for a great post. I work p/t and the guilt overwhelms me at times. Thanks for the inspiration and the knowledge I’m not alone with the guilt. Motherhood is hard no matter how you do it. We all need to support each other in our journeys.
Fabulous. Mothering is hard enough without all the various kinds of guilt we hold on to. You are caring for your family, and it is obvious from your blog how much you love your boys. Keep on doing what you’re doing, because God’s plan for your family is way bigger than that guilt!
Oh amen and amen!
Have I told you lately that I adore you?
*big grin* and a PS: Car trips to NOVA speaker louder than words!
I know this is a tough one – but I also know we all have paths in life and they are ever changing and we do the best we can with what path we are on when we are on it! I have been home with my girls for 9 years, truth is I don’t think I could work if I had to (maybe at mcdonalds
I have regrets about that and hold a lot of respect for moms who have careers and a way to provide for their families! The balance is different but it is NOT wrong and guilt should be flushed down the toilet…
“Mom guilt should be flushed down the toilet” – fantastic, and yes, and I will chuckle every time I think of that one!
I agree, flush that guilt down the toilet! There is therefor now no condemnation (of any variety!) for those who are in Christ Jesus! You are a working Momma covered under Christ, and therefore that makes you victorious in all that you do!
I just found this entry via ListMama, and it literally brought tears to my eyes. I have a 9 month old little boy and have struggled since the beginning (and it seems more and more every day) with working mother’s guilt. He was a preemie and has had some physical delays, and part of me blames myself for not being able to work with him more to overcome those hurdles. I so needed this reminder that even when I can’t be there (and let’s face it, even when I am there), God is taking care of him and molding him to be the man he will become. Thank you so much for this timely post.
Cynthia
I am sitting here with tears in my eyed. I live with this guilt every day. I am currently on maternity leave with my third daughter and have shed many tears thinking about returning to work.
Satan mocks my desire to be home and delights in pointing out what I miss out on.
I will be visiting the post often.
Thank you!
Thank you, a million times over for this post. I do not know you and just happened upon your blog today, the day I needed it most. I just returned to work from maternity leave with my 4th child. I am overwhelmed and distraught over the limited time I have with my children and I needed this. I am so tired of encountering other mothers and those who call themselves friends who bereat me for returning to work and saying if I really wanted to I could stay home. I should make it work. Well financially it doesn’t work, I must leave home everyday and entrust my children to others, that doesn’t make me a bad mother.
No, it makes you brave. Don’t let the joy of your children be lost in the guilt of being away from them. I know how hard that battle is to fight. I wish you courage and grace in the midst of it all.
Good for you!! This is awesome and very well written.
Lisa-Jo, you bring it (truth, I mean) every time you write a new post! And. I. Love. It.
oops. Just realized I’m signed is as that. It should say bria @ andthensomore.blogspot.com
Lisa-Jo, I think you’ve brought some healing words and encouragement today!
I’m not a mom (some day, God willing), but it still breaks my heart to see the anguish that people carry around b/c their path of motherhood is different than the journeys of those around them.
Regardless of our exact circumstances, I think we are bound by similarities — love of God and family. Even if we wish we were following a different path, God has great plans for us and for our families. Plans of His making, not born of our need for earthly validation.
I hope that is what all the wonderful moms remember!
Hallelujah and Amen! You have NO IDEA how much I needed to hear those words this week. But He knew.
Lisa-Jo, you have a beautiful way with words that is backed by incredible strength. And I love it all.
I need to bookmark this and read it Every Day!
Oh, Mary, I don’t know about the strength part. This post was born out of sadness because I have been doing the rounds again, looking for a new daycare for my baby boy since things didn’t work out at his old one. And suddenly, there it was, the nagging, criticizing voice of my guilt whispering, “bad mommy” over and over again. I had to shut.it.up. and it sure felt good to write it out and share it with others. Knowing so many moms fight this battle has been comforting and encouraging on so many levels.
So thank YOU for your words!
Powerful words, woman. I’m sitting here applauding you and wanting to share this with every mama. xoxo
elizabeth
Awesome post, mama. This “mommy guilt” comes in so many packages…the liar even tries to guilt me (currently SAHM) that I don’t spend my days doing what I should for my little man–not to mention the times he’s tried to tell me that it’s my fault my son is sick…he is such a liar and I thank you for calling him out!
-Christy
http://talesofthetoot.wordpress.com
I’ve never read your blog before, but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it today. I go back to work Tuesday, after a wonderful six month maternity leave. I’m struggling with guilt, the thoughts of the hours I will be leaving my boys, knowing that I’ll come home tired and they won’t get the best of me.
Glory be, everytime I think I couldn’t love you more, you up and write something that makes me love you more!
Way to go, Dearie. We should all take a lesson and throw mommy guilt right back at the guilty one who originated it, the Enemy.
You know I love you, and man, you are one stinkin’ good writer…
But this post makes me sad.
Not because I think you should necessarily have guilt over working, but because of the license it gives to women to not feel guilt when *perhaps* they should. I have no idea why you work or if you have a choice in the matter, but I do know that God is clear in His Word that women are to be home (unless, of course, circumstances don’t allow). It is beautifully portrayed throughout all of scripture that the mother, a most high calling that no one else can fill, is to raise up her children. I don’t want to heap guilt – yuck! I do want to speak some truth here though. Truth: working mothers love their children just as much as stay-at-home moms do. Truth: God’s plan is that a mother raises her children and works in the home (Titus 2:3-5, in addition to the whole of scripture). Truth: Misplaced guilt sucks out the life of the soul and it the enemies choice tactic for discouragement.
Truth: Some guilt is our conscience speaking. I want to make it clear that I am not saying SAHM are better or more acceptable to God. All I am saying is that we must ask, “Lord, what do you say?” And then we open of the Word, the living Word, and read the letter he wrote and of the role He gives His daughters.
Lisa-Jo – you are so powerful with your words. They grip the heart – it is a gift. Please know that you are dear to me even if we agree to disagree. I just want you to know that.
Hi Sarah Mae,
Thanks for sharing honestly in this space. I was wondering when someone might offer this perspective. My response is a simple one, I think:
For the Christian woman it is often precisely *because* we recognize this truth, this calling, this beautiful design by God to tie heart-to-mother-to-child that we ache as we do when our circumstances prevent us from living out that calling as fully as we would wish. It can feel like being trapped. It makes you want to beat your head on the wall. It makes you feel ‘less than’ those who point out what you should be, what you want to be. It can be an endless cycle of self beratement.
When working is not a luxury or a choice, but a necessity and a discipline, it is hard.
But for those of us in that place and season, we lift up our eyes to the hills and help comes. The Holy Spirit ministers tenderly to us, bandaging wounded hearts and restoring what the deceiver has tried to destroy. These are the women I wrote this for. I am one of those women. And if the comments above are any reflection, they ache. They need grace from others because goodness knows they rarely get it from themselves.
So, maybe we don’t actually disagree. We just have different stories at this point in time. But authored by the same good God. And I trust Him with the ending.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. That’s what this space is all about.
Lisa-Jo, you are lovely.
Truly.
To the aching…
If you ache to be with your babies, and you are choosing to work, listen to the ache – it is not there by chance or by culture, it is in breathed into you. If you seek to be home but cannot because of circumstance, I pray a way…”with God, all things are possible.” Bow a knee to the Father, He provides. Keep the goal in sight – I promise, it is worth every sacrifice. In the meantime, in the struggle, keep trusting the One. Much much much grace dear sisters, from one who needs much grace herself.
For we all need it desperately.
Love…
Beautiful!
…and just to make you feel better,
listen to a little of Dr. Laura (Schlessinger)
Her main tag line that she opens her radio show with everday is “I am my kids mother” meaning…. yes
stay at home mom!
She unconditionally believes in stay at home moms!
She has written a book about it… very very well written!
I have no affiliation with her other than to say I called in several weeks before Christmas and they took my call…. it was about trying to find a “place” for renewed energy…
I have 3 “16 yr” teens all of which have autism.
I also have cancer.
I am tired and need energy to keep our home just
at a status quo….
That was all. Her advice was lovely…
Sue
The enemy sure knows how to wield Mommy-guilt, doesn’t he? He turns the love and hope that’s good and Father-given, twists it into something crippling… He lobs it at us all, I think, whether we’re home or whether we’re at other jobs.
“You make me out to be god and center of the universe of my family.”
I’ve only just recognizing the way the lies have crept into my mothering (even though — especially because — I’m at home), but this, this is the lie I’ve been contending with lately. Only God is God. Even for my family. And thank goodness, right? Because I’d do a lousy job of it. But somehow I keep forgetting.
Thanks for another good reminder, friend.
So we’re headed back to the states for good later this year and that will find me working again outside the home… so thank you for the reminder that I will still be a good mother to my boys… may have to print this one and put it on my bathroom mirror to remind myself daily that I’ve been given these precious lives’ as a gift, and that God is truly, and always, their first parent!
Oh My. How I have needed this. How I have only sometimes for a brief flutter of a moment utterly believed that I am doing it right. That me having to work isn’t a death sentence to their childhood. That the 3 hours after work and one and a half before are enough for me to guide and direct them. Thank you from the bottom of My year bucket for this one. Blessings as you work today. I’m headed in now.
“A brief flutter of a moment.” – yes, that’s exactly how it seems. There is a flicker here and there that I might be doing it right and then it passes. I also find myself counting the exact number of hours I have with them vs. the daycare. And I try to comfort myself by subtracting the nap hours so that it doesn’t seem so long. But I have truly, profoundly become convinced that working or home mothers have to give their kids over to the Lord with a profound courage and surrender themselves from being the center of their kids lives in order to teach them that God belongs there.
I actually wrote another post about that topic if you are interested: http://thegypsymama.com/2010/02/22/it-takes-guts-to-be-a-mom/
That was TEAR bucket….
I just needed to let you know how I have bookmarked this post of yours, and come back to it often.
Thank you
oh how i needed to read this today….& we don’t even have kids yet! but “he” is a liar, indeed. and “he” has told me that because of the career i’ve chosen in helping others, that my role at home has already failed before it has even begun.
but the reminder that this isn’t my plan in the first place; the reminder that this isn’t my LIFE in the first place….*that* is what i needed to hear, to read, to absorb today.
so thank you, many months after you wrote this. i’ll visit often to re-read, re-hear, & re-absorb.
His word continues to speak.
Thank YOU – Believe it or not, I actually come back often to read it myself. I need a constant reminder! So, I love to see that it is still speaking to other folks as well. And I really appreciate you took the time to let me know!
Thank you, so beautifully written. Found this via your comment post on MPT’s blog. I’m really really saddened that we are discussing this again. People say they don’t mean to heap guilt but by taking a hard and fast stand on what “God’s word says”, as THEY interpret it, is saying that if you don’t meet that standard, you are sinning and ought to feel guilt. It’s like putting working outside the home into the same category as sex outside marriage…not God’s ideal plan. But scripture is crystal clear on sex. Not so for “work”. I just really wish we could get past it and love each other in grace.
i just stumbled upon this post this morning. it is medicine to my weary soul. i went back to work full-time six months ago in order for my husband to pursue his degree in relgion/philosophy. it’s been a hard hard hard transition. i still cry often when i have to leave my two little tots behind.
thank you for these words. they will ring in my mind today….every day. until i am home again.
grace and peace
Thank you for writing this. I struggle every morning when I have to leave my one-year-old daughter. Many tears have been shed on my commute away from her and to my job. For me, as for many, working is not a choice or a luxury. I’m happy to have a job that I like; that makes it easier. The hours aren’t always flexible, though, and some days I see my daughter for only three hours. That breaks my heart.
So, anyway, I really appreciated this post.